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I used to enjoy getting in my car and driving around Miami. But those were
the days when "living on the edge" still amused me. Now, I find myself
facing the greatest fear of all--fear of myself and my capabilities behind
the wheel. I am, gulp, a crazy Miami driver.
You have to remember that in Miami, the rules are different here. It's HOT
here, and that does something to our brains. Also, many of us are not from
Miami, and as little babies we were dropped on our heads when we were
delivered. If you find yourself having to drive in Miami, here's a few
suggestions for doing so, and for staying alive at the same time. Take it
from a pro--me: A Typical Miami Driver ("TMD").
MUSIC: One of the most important things
that people need while driving in Miami is distraction. Because if you
think about how you're driving, and the traffic, and the hassle of it all,
and your sorry life, and how you don't have one, well, you, too, might not
want to go out the door. So before you do go out that door, make sure that
you bring along your favorite cassettes and CD's, and turn 'em on! What a
relief to hear "C'mon people now, smile on your brother, everybody get
together, try to love one another right now" as you're getting honked at.
It's always heartwarming to have someone flip you the bird as you're
listening to Barbra crooning, "People, people who need people . . ."
GET A HOBBY: Always be sure to bring
along a good book, a deck of cards, knitting, or some porno to look at,
because you never know when it'll turn up handy. In Miami, it's unbelievable
how, in very heavy traffic (and there really is no other kind here), when
you're hanging in the left lane, trying to turn left, there's rarely a left
turn arrow to be seen. So, while waiting for the oncoming traffic to swoosh
by for about ten to fifteen minutes, you can read. Or do like Mary Kay of
Mary Kay cosmetics said, and attempt some stomach exercises. Stomach in,
stomach out. In, out. Its good for the abs. Do your knitting, light up a
healthy cigarette, anything. Finally, when the light turns red, you may
make your left turn, but only after the two cars in front of you have also
turned left on red.
It's also good to have something in the car to amuse yourself for possible
(that is, really very likely) traffic jams. For some reason, huge trucks
and cars seem to overturn a lot on I-95 in Dade and Broward. This can cause
a big slowdown, or even a complete stop in traffic. Sometimes, however,
nothing's really happening at all except someone's pulled their car off the
road because it stopped running (usually a good reason to stop driving). Or
maybe a guy got a flat, who knows. Whatever,
BABS: The Butt and Barge technique of
driving has been proven to be a very effective style of transportation. The
beauty of it, as in many things, is it's pure simplicity. Just weave in and
out of traffic at random, bypassing anyone in your way. Using this and one
other method (that being, whoever gets in your way simply gets
Steamrolled), and you're on your way. See why we call it BABS?
YOUR HORN -- USE IT! What do you think
it's for? It's to wake people up, tell them that the light's not going to
get any greener.! It's to help people realize that their 30 miles per hour
is not your "thing"--get that stupid Escort moving! HONK! ! It's to shake
up the guy in front of you; he's daydreaming again about being with Claudia
Schiffer on the beach--HONK!! Ain't gonna happen, man! It's to let someone
know you don't appreciate their driving like you do, cutting in front of
you, weaving in and out of traffic. What kind of maniac is he? You can't
believe he barged right in there like that! So let him know you're pissed!
HONK! ! Mad as you are, though, see the next rule:
YOUR MIDDLE FINGER - DON'T EVER USE IT!: Even if you're packing a pistol, even if you have
bullet-proof glass, I don't suggest that here in Miami, one of the highest
"testosterone" cities in the world, you flip anyone the bird. If you must,
do it so no one can see you. Aim your bird/finger at the accelerator or the
floor mats. See? There, all better. You've gotten it out of your system.
YOUR BLINKER - WAH?: What's your blinker
for? In this city? Aesthetics, that's all. If you want to pass as a TMD,
don't use it. (It is, however, okay to use your windshield wipers when it
rains.) Also be sure to check that your blinker is not on for several
minutes to a half hour when there is nowhere to turn. That is what tourists
and the TMD-challenged do.
BYOW: Very important. Bring your own
Windex. That way, when you are assaulted by guys who are hopping on your
car's windshield to allegedly clean it, you can pick up your bottle and
say, hey guys, I do my own windows, thanks. If you're at a light and
someone is hanging onto your car's windshield and the light finally turns
green, go! Go really fast!
Miamians are very bloodthirsty people. The
rubber-necking here is as good as it gets.The car is on the side of the
road, and yet everyone's backed up for 25 miles, because of all the
busy-bodies looking. While others are busy stooping so low as to
rubber-neck,you can be utilizing your time more wisely by reading The
National Enquirer.